Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…