Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If only.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
How do you milk an almond?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.