this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.