Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
#FunnyLife Insects
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.