When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Some people were born into their job.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.