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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.