If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
when dads have a rap battle
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
How can I say no to this ?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed