My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Social distancing in Australia:
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!