[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Bring back the McRib
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning