Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower