sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?