ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I hate everything
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?