I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
i did the math
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
When you let grandma cat sit
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
You better watch out
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I think about this a lot
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record