Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
me
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.