🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing