Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.