I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.