To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You Might Also Like
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Science memes
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.