Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
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Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer