[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
(yawn)
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?