My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
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Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.