Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
You Might Also Like
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Great Canadian literature.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues