I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave