I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
How all things should be taught/explained.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.