Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
bury ourselves
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Safety first