*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad