How about I get 100% off by already being there
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???