ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.