Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.