“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes