I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.