me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok