Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
me linking you to my twitter
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”