I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
You Might Also Like
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Today’s Times
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”