*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!