I’d rather go liquor treating.
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?