Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?