Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat