My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
How high do the levels go?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
No, he would not have.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it