Best spoiler warning ever
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.