Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
You Might Also Like
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
This a good idea
This raises questions
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.