I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
You Might Also Like
classic mixup
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.