Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I hope it’s French Onion!
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…