My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.