This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.