Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere