Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.