This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.