Not😆🤣
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.