My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.